When I am depressed the world turns gray. I feel lethargic, weighed down, and numb. I spend a lot of time laying in bed, awake sometimes, but mostly sleeping. I like the curtains drawn. I lose interest in all things that used to bring me joy such as being with family and friends, engaging in my hobbies, and taking care of myself by showering and eating. When I have no appetite I am definitely depressed.
For me, being depressed is a type of torture that is hard to explain. It’s having no joy or interest in life which creates a kind of boredom and hopelessness deep in my heart all the while being stuck in this extremely slow passage of time where a minute feels like a day and I just don’t know how I am going to get through so many of them.
What does it feel like when you’re in a depressive episode ?
988 is now available in the United States to contact if you are in a mental health, substance use, or suicide crisis! Please pass this information along.
The kids get to go back to school full-time in my county and play sports, and we get to watched them play, too, with some restrictions like social distancing and wearing masks. I feel so thankful for being able to do these things especially when some counties only a few miles away from us are not able to.
However, like every fall, due to the change in schedule from basically no schedule during the summer to now carpools and sporting events and small talk with other parents and loud gyms and small group social events, my anxiety is very high.
I take a lot of breaks at home, try not to schedule too many things on the same day, know that the high school sporting season only lasts a short time, although then club season begins! Take my antianxiety medicine when needed, get plenty of sleep – I need 11-12 hours a night to feel good mentally. Physically I don’t need that much sleep but mentally I do. I feel like that is weird. Drink plenty of water. I don’t exercise no matter how much people advise it it just isn’t part of who I am. I will go for walks in the evenings if it’s nice out several times a month but nothing on a regular basis. I also have a few hobbies I like to do that distract me from my anxiety.
How is life in the year of covid-19 going for you right now? How do you cope with your anxiety?
My ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) is making it hard for me to even begin to write this article. I feel overwhelmed and unorganized. In general, I want to write regular blog posts, however, the sustained effort it takes to do so is something that is hard to come by due to my ADHD.
There are other tasks around the house I need to do that are repetitive and boring, such as chores, that I struggle with immensely due to ADHD. The best way I found to do these is to do one or two a day in small bursts of time. Unfortunately, the whole house may never be clean all at the same time, but at least each part is getting cleaned on a regular basis.
Other projects sit untouched, such as hobbies and crafts. I try to do them when I get a surge of motivation, but when I don’t for a long while I just make sure I am using positive self talk, telling myself it is no big deal if these things do not get done.
Exercising is another task I have problems sticking with because it bores the heck out of me. Again, I just try not to talk negatively to myself about slacking in this area of my life, telling myself that I am doing the best I can within the limitations I have due the the mental illnesses (I also have bipolar disorder) I deal with.
How do you cope with lack of motivation to do the things you want to?
Serotonin is a neurotransmitter in the brain that is related to depression. It is thought that those with depression are lacking in serotonin. Some antidepressant medications block the reuptake of serotonin leaving more available for use by the brain, thereby decreasing depression symptoms or so the theory goes.
Besides medication, which has been proven in clinical trials to have a significant effect on depression symptoms, there are anecdotal treatments some people say increase serotonin in the brain. These “treatments” aren’t always backed by scientific studies and should be discussed with your doctor before being tried especially if they involve any sort of supplement or exercise, but most appear relatively harmless and may even be helpful in relieving some depression symptoms in some people. These serotonin-producing ideas include the following:
Get more tryptophans from foods like lean meats, eggs, and dairy.
Get a massage.
Boost your vitamin B.
Soak up the sunshine or use a light therapy box.
Add more magnesium to your diet with dark, leafy veges, fish, bananas, and beans.
Be more positive, practice gratitude.
Reduce sugar intake.
Meditate.
Increase exercise.
Increase vitamin C.
Practice self care to reduce stress.
Keep a journal or practice some form a regular writing.
Don’t try to make all the changes at once, if it seems overwhelming. Tackle one or two items a month. Eventually you will get to feeling better and better and before you know it all of these things will become second nature, if you tackle them like a marathon not a sprint.
Play the long game. These changes are lifetime goals. You have all the time in the world to reach them, but start making them one or two at a time. You can do it and will be glad you did as you begin to feel better and better little by little until it adds up to be quite a lot!
It took me over ten years to get to some real solid stability in my bipolar depression. I did it by addimg a lot of coping skills and healthy habits to my life year after year. Trauma work in therapy and constant medication management was a huge part of it, too, but the anecdotal cures were essential and still are. They may be for you, too.
As always, comments are open for any questions you may have for me and for any shares you have regarding your experiences. Thanks for reading.
Prompt: Type an anonymous letter to a stranger detailing what you have learned in life. Leave a link to your post in the comments to share with others. Here is my letter:
Dear Stranger,
I suppose I have learned a thing or two over my lifetime thus far. I’ve learned that most people can’t be trusted but a few can. I’ve learned that opposite phenomenons are going on all of the time. For example, people are altruistic because it makes them feel better thus actually making them selfish not altruistic. And parents hurt their children even though they love them intensely. And churches lie to their followers while preaching the Truth. I’ve learned to see the world in these grays, rather than in black and white. It has been my biggest lesson.
I’ve also learned that I can not like someone but still care about them. That I welcome eccentricities, but not insincerity. That someone’s ability to be open-minded shapes every facet of their being. And that it is quite rare to change an adult’s mind on his or her core values.
I’ve learned that some people are actually capable of unconditional love. That sunsets make the most beautiful photographs and children are the most difficult gift I have ever received. That a clean house, flat stomach, or big bank account doesn’t make a person happy. And that love and health are two of the most important things in life. Most of all, I’ve learned that I don’t know much and that I’ve got a lot more to learn.
There’s solid evidence that expressive writing can be good for your mental health. I was planning on researching and quoting and referencing articles and telling you why and when and the how does it of it all, like this one: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/boosting-your-mental-health-with-expressive-writing-0823185 but then I thought, you’re an adult. You’ve got the internet. I’m not going to reinvent the wheel and regurgitate other people’s articles, which by the way is one reason I hardly write here anymore. I feel like, “Eh, it’s been said, why say it again.”
Anyway, you can look up why writing can be good for you. What I am going to do in the meantime here is what is good for me: write! Not about my life. No. That is for my personal journal which is private. Sorry. Not that type of blog.
So, what am I going to write about then? I have no fricking idea. I’m still figuring this out. But I have a book of prompts. That could be helpful. I also have a list of different types of journals that we could go through together. I don’t know, what do you think? Let’s see where this takes us.
I spend a large part of my day in bed. I’ll admit it right now, I do. I sleep at night and most of the morning and get up for the afternoon and early evening time to do some self care and house chores and back to to bed again I go.
Many of the morning hours are spent sleeping away migraine, of which I have chronically. Depression plays a role in my perpetual inertia as well.
It seems the more that is demanded of me, the more migraines I get and the more depressed I become. Therefore, it has become this catch twenty two of not doing because of the fear of becoming sick and being sick, so not doing.
It sounds like a fairly pathetic life if you’ve read how I’ve written it out thus far, but there are so many things I do on a fairly regular basis when I am out of bed. For example, I cook and clean and write and create art and raise children! I take pictures and participate in social groups and keep up with a multitude of doctors appointments. I am a dutiful wife, a generous friend, and a eager volunteer.
So many things I am capable of, but I’m only able to do them for short spurts of time with much rest in between activities. That I’m able to do them at all I so am grateful!
Mental illness and chronic pain have taken a typical life from me, but I still have a life and this is what it looks like.
Is your life with mental illness typical or atypical? Do you have trouble getting out of bed?
I’ve started this place on my phone where I keep blog post ideas and rough drafts because I have so many bits and pieces of information flying through my head at one time that I get completely overwhelmed at the thought of sitting down and writing something out.
I attribute these rapid thoughts to my anxiety disorder or to possible depressive symptoms such as the inability to focus or concentrate long enough to organize disjointed ideas into a single theme.
Then I get to thinking, is this it? Is everything always because of my mental illnesses? Is my difficulty writing or remembering or socializing or driving or losing weight or parenting or making friends all due to mental illness? How do I distinguish that which is part of my personality from that which is my illness? Are they one in the same?
I’m not going to pretend to have the answer and quite honestly this is not a rhetorical question. I would love for some feedback here because I have read on numerous occasions well-meaning memes that state “you are not your illness” when I think sometimes maybe I am.
Write into the Light 