“Borderline personality disorder is a mental illness that severely impacts a person’s ability to manage their emotions. This loss of emotional control can increase impulsivity, affect how a person feels about themselves, and negatively impact their relationships with others.”
– National Institute of Mental Health
Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) include the following.
Fear of abandonment
Unstable relationships
Unclear or shifting self-image
Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors
Self-harm
Extreme emotional swings
Chronic feelings of emptiness
Explosive anger
Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality
I have some of these symptoms but not all of them all of the time. I do fear my significant other leaving me through death. At this point we have enough history together that I don’t believe he will leave me willingly like I used to.
My self-image is in constant flux. I don’t know if I am a good person or a bad person much of the time. I often question my state of mind – whether I am mentally unstable or not, and whether my assessment of reality is true or not. I constantly seek reassurance from my significant other on these matters because I don’t trust my own judgement.
I used to have unstable relationships and impulsive self-destructive behaviors, including self harm, when I was younger. I still have the compulsion to self-harm when I become intensely overwhelmed by my emotions but I rarely give into it as it passes very quickly.
I have extreme emotional swings often within the same day and sometimes within the same hour! I don’t usually understand why this is happening or where the trigger is coming from. Although mindfulness helps me realize that it almost always has something to do with my thoughts – the story I am telling myself about events happening outside of me and within.
I do have chronic feelings of emptiness, often feeling like I have no purpose in life; constantly fighting feelings of loneliness and boredom.
I have problems with explosive anger when I feel like people have been unfair or unjust with myself or others. I have learned to curtail my anger in most other situations but those in which I become judgemental and intolerant my rage can be destructive to myself and my significant other who has to bear the brunt of my complaining and lamenting.
I am suspicious and question people’s motives ALL. OF. THE. TIME. I take things personally and tend to put myself at the center of the universe which makes everyone’s actions about ME instead of what they truly are which is about themselves and what they are dealing with or bringing to the situation based on their own beliefs, values, and histories. This is something that pains me most days and it is quite the hard habit to break.
I practice mindfulness, including in meditation; I pray to my higher self which helps me gain insight into my feelings and behaviors. I do movement therapy including stretching, yoga poses, and Tai chi. I deal with this mental illness along with several others in addition to chronic pain, so I suppose I am doing fairly well in spite of these things. I am always looking to do better, however, so if you have any suggestions please leave them in the comments and tell me if you relate to anything I said in this article. Thank you.
Turtle Way is Write into the Light’s online literary art journal featuring poetry, prose, and art from people with mental illness and those who love them.
When I am depressed the world turns gray. I feel lethargic, weighed down, and numb. I spend a lot of time laying in bed, awake sometimes, but mostly sleeping. I like the curtains drawn. I lose interest in all things that used to bring me joy such as being with family and friends, engaging in my hobbies, and taking care of myself by showering and eating. When I have no appetite I am definitely depressed.
For me, being depressed is a type of torture that is hard to explain. It’s having no joy or interest in life which creates a kind of boredom and hopelessness deep in my heart all the while being stuck in this extremely slow passage of time where a minute feels like a day and I just don’t know how I am going to get through so many of them.
What does it feel like when you’re in a depressive episode ?
I have bipolar type 2 disorder, so as opposed to becoming manic I experience something called hypomania. How I feel during a hypomanic episode can vary, but most often I feel driven to accomplish many creative tasks at one time. I will write, paint, do photography, and even rearrange the furniture in the house when I am hypomanic, sometimes all in the same day.
I tend to require less sleep during a hypomanic episode. I also feel agitated, irritable, and impatient during this time. My temper is shorter and I seem to have more conflicts with others than normal.
Some people enjoy their hypomania because they feel energized and creative. I do not enjoy the heavy push to accomplish things and the irritability towards other people and the world in general. For me, hypomania is just as uncomfortable and distressing as depression only in different ways.
The times I feel most understood in terms of my bipolar disorder are when I read #bipolarclub posts on Twitter. I don’t think people can really understand what it is like to have bipolar disorder unless they have it themselves. When people talk about their symptoms and their struggles with bipolar disorder, I feel so understood and less alone in my own issues in dealing with it.
I also have a sibling who has bipolar disorder and she and I have had many good chuckles over how similar we are in our reactions to life in light of our bipolar disorder. It’s important to connect with other people who are going through the same symptoms as you are, so that you don’t feel like you’re the only one experiencing them. For me, connecting with others who have bipolar disorder makes me feel like I’m a part of something valid and that I’m not just “crazy.”
When do you feel most understood in terms of your bipolar disorder? Tell me about it in the comments. Also, follow me on Twitter.
Everyone gets irritated at times especially if they are hungry or tired. People with bipolar disorder are often more sensitive to fluctuations in their internal and external environment and can become more agitated, anxious, sad, or angry than the situation would warrant for those without bipolar disorder. Examples of these fluctuations include:
Internal triggers
Hunger
Anger
Loneliness
Fatigue
Being cold or hot
Pain
External triggers
Noises
Lights
Other people’s emotions or moods
Tactile input such as touch by clothing or other people
Smells
Some ideas to help combat these triggers
Eat at regular intervals and always carry snacks and water with you when you leave the house.
Talk to others, journal or exercise when angry or if you are in a 12-step program work the steps on it.
Make contact with people in real life on a regular basis.
Go to bed and get up around the same time everyday.
Dress in layers and always keep a jacket or coat in the car. You never know when a restaurant or store will be extra cold. Keep a cold wet cloth in a small cooler during hot weather to place on your forehead or the back of your neck.
Always carry pain reliever with you when you leave the house.
Use ear plugs that cut down on the decibel level of the environmental noise.
Wear a hat or sun glasses to shade the light.
Practice setting boundaries and blocking out other people’s emotions.
Remove yourself from situations where other people’s emotions and behaviors cause you distress.
Cut the tags out of clothing.
Wear comfortable clothing like loose shirts and elastic waist pants.
Remove yourself from noxious orders or keep a cloth with you that has a scent you like on it to bring to your nose when you can’t get away from a smell.
What are some of your triggers and how do you deal with them?
Turtle Way is Write into the Light’s online literary art journal featuring poetry, prose, and art from people with mental illness and those who love them.
Everyone has the potential to grieve losses in their life. Those with bipolar disorder don’t have a right to say they grieve more than others. However, they are at risk for extreme mood episodes as a result of a significant loss in their life, making their grief dangerous and potentially life threatening.
The loss doesn’t have to be a death. It can be a job, a relationship, or a tragedy without death like a severe illness or injury. It doesn’t have to involve someone who is personally known but can be related to a collective loss or tragedy of a famous person or someone in their community.
When a person with bipolar disorder experiences a loss, at a minimum, daily tasks may fall by the wayside. Worst case scenario the person becomes completely immobilized, ignores their most basic tasks such as hygiene and nutrition and starts having thoughts of harming him or herself.
Some ways to cope with a loss if you have bipolar disorder is to make sure you keep taking your medicine as prescribed.
Stay away from alcohol and recreational drugs which can bring you down even further and lower your inhibition when trying to stay safe.
Talk to someone about your feelings.
Journal about your thoughts and feelings.
Go to a support group.
Talk to your doctor.
Go to a therapist or counselor.
Get outside.
Go for a walk.
Spend time with animals or children.
Take a hot bath.
Take the time and care you need to ride out the emotions knowing they will pass.
Do not “should” yourself or judge or talk negatively to yourself about anything you’re not able to do while going through this time. This is the way your brain was made and it is not something you chose. Acceptance and self compassion are key to experiencing less suffering during these times.
What are some other ways you can or have coped with loss in your life?
In honor of World Bipolar Disorder Day I am going to discuss numerous things bipolar disorder has given to and taken away from me. I was diagnosed with rapid cycling bipolar type 2 disorder 15 years ago. I knew nothing about the disorder or how it would affect my life for the next 15 years. While there are positives that have come about due to having bipolar, the negatives far outweigh them.
What Bipolar Disorder Has Taken From Me
The ability to work a paying job
Since being diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I have tried various ways of staying gainfully employed. I have worked full-time outside of the home and part time from home for a healthcare employer, as well as part time outside of the home and from home for myself. In each situation my bipolar symptoms, especially anxiety (social, general and panic), anger/irritability, and depression, have left me unable to cope with the demands.
I even started a photography business since photography is my favorite hobby, but the business side of it and dealing with people was more than I could handle and bipolar symptoms were triggered. So, I had to quit or continue to suffer the negative health consequences.
My ideal body weight
Bipolar medications have caused me to gain at least 20 pounds over the last 10 years. Couple that with the fact that my previous career involved a lot of exercise that I no longer get and the weight keeps piling on. My rapid cycling moods make sticking to an at-home exercise routine or diet regimen nearly impossible.
The ability to be a stable parent
Unfortunately, my bipolar disorder has negatively affected my children. There have been times where, because of anxiety and depression, I have been unable to get out of bed to be there for them or to attend their activities, and even worse, times where I have been hurtful with my words to them due to hypomanic irritability. I worry that they have picked up their own anxieties from growing up in a household filled with mine.
The ability to socialize and be in public places without extra medication
Bipolar anxiety has left me with an extremely sensitive nervous system that becomes overstimulated with what is typical input for most people. For me, the noises are always too loud, lights too bright, smells too strong, and people too close. I have to take one or two additional medications to cope with all of these stimuli.
Spontaneous changes in my routine
Maintaining mood stability requires that I adhere to fairly strict schedules with my sleep, medications, food intake, and social calendar. I go to bed at the same time each night. A rare late night out can wreak havoc on my mood for days afterwards.
I take my medications on a strict schedule. Forgetting a dose can cause troubling side effects such as light-headedness and nausea.
I eat three meals a day because going too long without eating can affect my moods greatly.
Finally, I have to plan ahead for social events. Any last minute plans or changes to plans can send me into a tailspin.
Parts of my creativity
Before going on certain bipolar medications, I was prolific at writing, especially poetry and mental health blogs. I also painted a lot. I believe antipsychotics dried up those creative wells for me. I just don’t have the same drive and imagination for it anymore.
The ability to stick with something long term
I will often enthusiastically start projects such as writing a book, starting a new blog, beginning an exercise program, creating a house cleaning schedule, starting a new diet, reading a book, or learning a new skill, but after a few weeks my mood will shift and I will abandon whatever it is I began. It’s a pattern I’ve had for nearly my whole life, starting long before I even knew I had bipolar disorder.
Outdoor summer fun
Some of the bipolar medications I take make it difficult for my body to regulate its temperature. Therefore, I’ve had to give up many once enjoyed outdoor activities when the weather is too hot, such as spending the day on the lake with friends, watching the kids’ baseball games, lounging for hours at the pool, going for walks, and doing yard work.
Friends
The irritability that comes along with bipolar mood fluctuations has caused me to do or say things that most people might think but never act on and this has caused rifts in some of my friendships.
I also think that because of bipolar disorder my inhibitions can be lower at times in a way that makes it feel like I can’t control what comes out of my mouth and I find myself blurting out comments or answers that are inappropriate.
Paranoia has also caused me to embarrassingly ask friends if they are mad at me or don’t like me anymore which is just awkward for everyone.
Peace of mind
With bipolar disorder’s mood changes and the secondary emotions that can come with it, such as anger, irritability, and anxiety, I am always on edge and wondering what is coming next. Everything internally feels so unpredictable that I can barely ever relax and feel secure about my health. Even when things are going well I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Lasting peace of mind seems to forever elude me.
What Bipolar Disorder Has Given to Me
An opportunity to stay home full time and work on my physical, mental, and spiritual health
Because I am home most days by myself, I am able to spend a lot of time learning, reading, writing, reflecting on things, and participating in hobbies, support groups, spiritual groups, and going to as many doctors’ appointments as I need to to reach towards my fullest potential in all areas of my health. If I did not have bipolar disorder, I would be working full time and not have the time to do all of these things.
The ability to truly help my children, who also suffer from mental illnesses
My kids have had multiple physical and mental issues over the years that have required many daytime doctor and therapy visits that I would have not been able to do if I was working a full-time job. Bipolar disorder has forced me out of the work place thereby allowing me to be home for them during some of the most critical and crucial times of their lives.
The ability to support others with mental health issues in real life and online with greater compassion and open-mindedness
Sometimes you can’t imagine what others are going through unless you’ve been through it yourself. I have been through a lot of trauma and heartache including hospitalizations due to suicidal behavior thanks to bipolar disorder. You just can’t help others in the same way when you haven’t experienced these depths of despair as you can when you have. I have something valuable to offer others because of my trials.
What About You and Bipolar Disorder?
What are some things bipolar disorder has taken from you and/or given to you? Share your experiences in the comments.
Write into the Light 