“Borderline personality disorder is a mental illness that severely impacts a person’s ability to manage their emotions. This loss of emotional control can increase impulsivity, affect how a person feels about themselves, and negatively impact their relationships with others.”
– National Institute of Mental Health
Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) include the following.
Fear of abandonment
Unstable relationships
Unclear or shifting self-image
Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors
Self-harm
Extreme emotional swings
Chronic feelings of emptiness
Explosive anger
Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality
I have some of these symptoms but not all of them all of the time. I do fear my significant other leaving me through death. At this point we have enough history together that I don’t believe he will leave me willingly like I used to.
My self-image is in constant flux. I don’t know if I am a good person or a bad person much of the time. I often question my state of mind – whether I am mentally unstable or not, and whether my assessment of reality is true or not. I constantly seek reassurance from my significant other on these matters because I don’t trust my own judgement.
I used to have unstable relationships and impulsive self-destructive behaviors, including self harm, when I was younger. I still have the compulsion to self-harm when I become intensely overwhelmed by my emotions but I rarely give into it as it passes very quickly.
I have extreme emotional swings often within the same day and sometimes within the same hour! I don’t usually understand why this is happening or where the trigger is coming from. Although mindfulness helps me realize that it almost always has something to do with my thoughts – the story I am telling myself about events happening outside of me and within.
I do have chronic feelings of emptiness, often feeling like I have no purpose in life; constantly fighting feelings of loneliness and boredom.
I have problems with explosive anger when I feel like people have been unfair or unjust with myself or others. I have learned to curtail my anger in most other situations but those in which I become judgemental and intolerant my rage can be destructive to myself and my significant other who has to bear the brunt of my complaining and lamenting.
I am suspicious and question people’s motives ALL. OF. THE. TIME. I take things personally and tend to put myself at the center of the universe which makes everyone’s actions about ME instead of what they truly are which is about themselves and what they are dealing with or bringing to the situation based on their own beliefs, values, and histories. This is something that pains me most days and it is quite the hard habit to break.
I practice mindfulness, including in meditation; I pray to my higher self which helps me gain insight into my feelings and behaviors. I do movement therapy including stretching, yoga poses, and Tai chi. I deal with this mental illness along with several others in addition to chronic pain, so I suppose I am doing fairly well in spite of these things. I am always looking to do better, however, so if you have any suggestions please leave them in the comments and tell me if you relate to anything I said in this article. Thank you.
Turtle Way is Write into the Light’s online literary art journal featuring poetry, prose, and art from people with mental illness and those who love them.
When I am depressed the world turns gray. I feel lethargic, weighed down, and numb. I spend a lot of time laying in bed, awake sometimes, but mostly sleeping. I like the curtains drawn. I lose interest in all things that used to bring me joy such as being with family and friends, engaging in my hobbies, and taking care of myself by showering and eating. When I have no appetite I am definitely depressed.
For me, being depressed is a type of torture that is hard to explain. It’s having no joy or interest in life which creates a kind of boredom and hopelessness deep in my heart all the while being stuck in this extremely slow passage of time where a minute feels like a day and I just don’t know how I am going to get through so many of them.
What does it feel like when you’re in a depressive episode ?
I have bipolar type 2 disorder, so as opposed to becoming manic I experience something called hypomania. How I feel during a hypomanic episode can vary, but most often I feel driven to accomplish many creative tasks at one time. I will write, paint, do photography, and even rearrange the furniture in the house when I am hypomanic, sometimes all in the same day.
I tend to require less sleep during a hypomanic episode. I also feel agitated, irritable, and impatient during this time. My temper is shorter and I seem to have more conflicts with others than normal.
Some people enjoy their hypomania because they feel energized and creative. I do not enjoy the heavy push to accomplish things and the irritability towards other people and the world in general. For me, hypomania is just as uncomfortable and distressing as depression only in different ways.
The times I feel most understood in terms of my bipolar disorder are when I read #bipolarclub posts on Twitter. I don’t think people can really understand what it is like to have bipolar disorder unless they have it themselves. When people talk about their symptoms and their struggles with bipolar disorder, I feel so understood and less alone in my own issues in dealing with it.
I also have a sibling who has bipolar disorder and she and I have had many good chuckles over how similar we are in our reactions to life in light of our bipolar disorder. It’s important to connect with other people who are going through the same symptoms as you are, so that you don’t feel like you’re the only one experiencing them. For me, connecting with others who have bipolar disorder makes me feel like I’m a part of something valid and that I’m not just “crazy.”
When do you feel most understood in terms of your bipolar disorder? Tell me about it in the comments. Also, follow me on Twitter.
Everyone gets irritated at times especially if they are hungry or tired. People with bipolar disorder are often more sensitive to fluctuations in their internal and external environment and can become more agitated, anxious, sad, or angry than the situation would warrant for those without bipolar disorder. Examples of these fluctuations include:
Internal triggers
Hunger
Anger
Loneliness
Fatigue
Being cold or hot
Pain
External triggers
Noises
Lights
Other people’s emotions or moods
Tactile input such as touch by clothing or other people
Smells
Some ideas to help combat these triggers
Eat at regular intervals and always carry snacks and water with you when you leave the house.
Talk to others, journal or exercise when angry or if you are in a 12-step program work the steps on it.
Make contact with people in real life on a regular basis.
Go to bed and get up around the same time everyday.
Dress in layers and always keep a jacket or coat in the car. You never know when a restaurant or store will be extra cold. Keep a cold wet cloth in a small cooler during hot weather to place on your forehead or the back of your neck.
Always carry pain reliever with you when you leave the house.
Use ear plugs that cut down on the decibel level of the environmental noise.
Wear a hat or sun glasses to shade the light.
Practice setting boundaries and blocking out other people’s emotions.
Remove yourself from situations where other people’s emotions and behaviors cause you distress.
Cut the tags out of clothing.
Wear comfortable clothing like loose shirts and elastic waist pants.
Remove yourself from noxious orders or keep a cloth with you that has a scent you like on it to bring to your nose when you can’t get away from a smell.
What are some of your triggers and how do you deal with them?
Turtle Way is Write into the Light’s online literary art journal featuring poetry, prose, and art from people with mental illness and those who love them.
Everyone has the potential to grieve losses in their life. Those with bipolar disorder don’t have a right to say they grieve more than others. However, they are at risk for extreme mood episodes as a result of a significant loss in their life, making their grief dangerous and potentially life threatening.
The loss doesn’t have to be a death. It can be a job, a relationship, or a tragedy without death like a severe illness or injury. It doesn’t have to involve someone who is personally known but can be related to a collective loss or tragedy of a famous person or someone in their community.
When a person with bipolar disorder experiences a loss, at a minimum, daily tasks may fall by the wayside. Worst case scenario the person becomes completely immobilized, ignores their most basic tasks such as hygiene and nutrition and starts having thoughts of harming him or herself.
Some ways to cope with a loss if you have bipolar disorder is to make sure you keep taking your medicine as prescribed.
Stay away from alcohol and recreational drugs which can bring you down even further and lower your inhibition when trying to stay safe.
Talk to someone about your feelings.
Journal about your thoughts and feelings.
Go to a support group.
Talk to your doctor.
Go to a therapist or counselor.
Get outside.
Go for a walk.
Spend time with animals or children.
Take a hot bath.
Take the time and care you need to ride out the emotions knowing they will pass.
Do not “should” yourself or judge or talk negatively to yourself about anything you’re not able to do while going through this time. This is the way your brain was made and it is not something you chose. Acceptance and self compassion are key to experiencing less suffering during these times.
What are some other ways you can or have coped with loss in your life?
Everyone has bad days, but when yours start to negatively affect your relationships it may be a sign of bipolar disorder. I can be irritated for no apparent reason for days at a time and this is often a symptom of mixed mania for me where I am hypomanic and depressed at the same time. My baseline is low depression so when I get a burst of creativity or energy that I have trouble acting on I get irritable quickly.
If this happens to you, learning mindfulness and anger management techniques might be helpful. It also might be a good idea to discuss it with your doctor.
Write into the Light 