Not barely one month ago I wrote here about my mental illness, and praised the universe for my glorious period of stability. Months of relative non-dramatic and chaos and anxiety-free days left me to do as I pleased with family and friends; with hobbies and productive work. I even made money doing something I absolutely love to do! ME! Someone on disability, making a dime doing a creative job for people that I would be doing anyway on my own. It was a dream come true this summer, I tell you, a dream come true! And then IT happened.
One day, all of a sudden, I dreaded the next paid gig that I was so eager to do just weeks prior. The thought of having to do it; of being obligated to do it now weighed so heavily on me I started feeling panicky. I was overwhelmed at the thought of all it entailed and so, so unmotivated to go through with it. All I wanted to do was crawl into a hole and hide for the next … well, indefinitely. I couldn’t focus on the amount of steps the whole job called for and I especially couldn’t cope with the social interactions it forced me to have.
Then two weeks later, the kids went back to school and things only got worse from there. My depression plummeted to another level as I spent every day at home alone in bed with no purpose other than to get up when they came home seven hours later. I came across this awesome mental health pain scale put out there by Rori, the Graceful Patient, and thought, “By God, I am already at a solid 6 going on a 7 here, and I was a fricking 1 five weeks ago!”
As an aside, before my stable period this summer, I was in a mild depression for several months through the end of spring. This is me. This is the life of rapid cycling bipolar disorder. It is not pretty or fun or predictable. Although, many times the depression does coincide with transitional events like the kids starting school in the fall and ending the school year in the spring, so there is some predictability in that sense. But, for the most part it is riding a mood wave that ebbs and flows over the course of weeks or months, sometimes even days when it gets really ugly.
So, here I am, turning to the thing I always turn to when I start to feel crazy: writing. I get into that darkness and I write myself out (i.e, “write into the light” = this blog’s name.) I also went and saw my doctor, of course, and told her what was going on. So, I’m starting yet another new med this week.
I have been on so many medications I couldn’t even name them all. No joke! I seriously wouldn’t remember all of them that I’ve tried over the last 17 years. I do know we make changes or adjustments at least a couple of times a year due to my rapid cycling. She told me one time she has some patients with bipolar that go years without a med adjustment but not me and my rapid cycles. I’m what they call “hypersensitive”…to people, to meds, to situations, to changes, to seasons, to temperature, to noise, to lights, crowds, to smells. I also fall under the description of an “empath” as well, which explains a lot of my ills after being around certain people and large crowds. It also explains my excellent intuition.
All of this just makes me realize this whole mood disorder, sensory system, personality thing is very complicated and intertwined. Who’s to say what one thing is and what’s another or where one thing begins and another ends? People are complex. Don’t judge or compartmentalize, if you can help it. We are all so much more than our labels. Kind of makes me want to retitle my post. But, for Google’s sake I won’t. Google search likes labels. 🙂
Do you or anyone you know experience rapid cycling moods? How do you cope with it? What helps you manage?