“Borderline personality disorder is a mental illness that severely impacts a person’s ability to manage their emotions. This loss of emotional control can increase impulsivity, affect how a person feels about themselves, and negatively impact their relationships with others.”

– National Institute of Mental Health

Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) include the following.

• Fear of abandonment
• Unstable relationships
• Unclear or shifting self-image
• Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors
• Self-harm
• Extreme emotional swings
• Chronic feelings of emptiness
• Explosive anger
• Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality

I have some of these symptoms but not all of them all of the time. I do fear my significant other leaving me through death. At this point we have enough history together that I don’t believe he will leave me willingly like I used to.

My self-image is in constant flux. I don’t know if I am a good person or a bad person much of the time. I often question my state of mind – whether I am mentally unstable or not, and whether my assessment of reality is true or not. I constantly seek reassurance from my significant other on these matters because I don’t trust my own judgement.

I used to have unstable relationships and impulsive self-destructive behaviors, including self harm, when I was younger. I still have the compulsion to self-harm when I become intensely overwhelmed by my emotions but I rarely give into it as it passes very quickly.

I have extreme emotional swings often within the same day and sometimes within the same hour! I don’t usually understand why this is happening or where the trigger is coming from. Although mindfulness helps me realize that it almost always has something to do with my thoughts – the story I am telling myself about events happening outside of me and within.

I do have chronic feelings of emptiness, often feeling like I have no purpose in life; constantly fighting feelings of loneliness and boredom.

I have problems with explosive anger when I feel like people have been unfair or unjust with myself or others. I have learned to curtail my anger in most other situations but those in which I become judgemental and intolerant my rage can be destructive to myself and my significant other who has to bear the brunt of my complaining and lamenting.

I am suspicious and question people’s motives ALL. OF. THE. TIME. I take things personally and tend to put myself at the center of the universe which makes everyone’s actions about ME instead of what they truly are which is about themselves and what they are dealing with or bringing to the situation based on their own beliefs, values, and histories. This is something that pains me most days and it is quite the hard habit to break.

I practice mindfulness, including in meditation; I pray to my higher self which helps me gain insight into my feelings and behaviors. I do movement therapy including stretching, yoga poses, and Tai chi. I deal with this mental illness along with several others in addition to chronic pain, so I suppose I am doing fairly well in spite of these things. I am always looking to do better, however, so if you have any suggestions please leave them in the comments and tell me if you relate to anything I said in this article. Thank you.