Tag Archives: bipolar

Acceptance – A Meditation

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There are many things we have no control over: people, places, things, events, the weather and time passing. This can be frustrating, depressing, and even scary.

There are many things we do have control over: how healthy we eat, how much we exercise, how we respond to life events, to people, places and things, and how well we take care of our health – physically, mentally and spiritually – by going to the doctor, taking our meds, meditating and/or praying.

The key is to accept the things we cannot change and to change the things we can. Acceptance does not mean we have to like them. It simply means we need to acknowledge they are reality and we do not have control over them.

Acceptance does not mean we accept unacceptable behavior from others. We have the right to defend ourselves. We are not meant to be doormats, but we must realize that ultimately, we have no control over the behavior of others, only our own.

Acceptance means letting go of tension, worry, and fear. Acceptance is the relaxing of our shoulders, the unclenching of our fists, the releasing of our jaw, the softening of our eyes, and the slowing of our breath. Today, I will accept the things I cannot change and I will know peace.

Light Deprivation to Decrease Mania in Bipolar Disorder

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Bright light therapy has been used for years to treat seasonal affective disorder and depressed patients in general. Patients sit in front of a special lamp which has similar effects on their circadian rhythms or wake cycle as the sun would, thus increasing their energy and lifting their moods. I had great success with my light therapy box during a particularly trying depressive episode several years ago.

Researchers are now speculating that light DEPRIVATION therapy, the opposite of bright light therapy, may be a viable treatment for bipolar mania. Light deprivation therapy can be achieved by limiting exposure to sunlight or by wearing specialized glasses.

There are only a few studies testing this theory, however, and while results of these studies are positive, sample sizes are too small to be generalized. Hopefully, they will continue to look into this further because if it works, it would be a safe, non-invasive option for treating bipolar mania.

Bipolar and Perseverance

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board-928392_960_720Perseverance is defined as “steady persistence in a course of action…especially in spite of difficulties (or) obstacles.” The fluctuating moods of bipolar disorder often hinder one’s ability to persevere through various tasks in life.

Take this blog, for example. I haven’t posted in over four months for various reasons, but one has to do with lack of perseverance. There have been great difficulties in my life and other obstacles that have kept me from steadily posting, and I don’t particularly appreciate that. I like posting. I miss posting. Bipolar gets in the way sometimes.

The medications I take for my bipolar disorder slow down my thinking processes. This makes it difficult for me to write blog posts. This is one of the reasons I took to reporting on research articles more than writing essays. It is one of my strategies for persevering in spite of my bipolar disorder.

There are many other areas in my life where perseverance is an issue due to my bipolar disorder. I have half finished projects all around my house: Artwork started and then forgotten; shelves that I am in the process of repainting that should take a few days to do, might get finished in a month if I am lucky; exercise routines initiated and within a week abandoned; writing projects started and left to collect dust, and the list goes on and on.

There is a lot of research on impulsivity and distractibility in bipolar disorder. I think these play a role in the lack of perseverance some with bipolar might notice in their life. Starting projects on a whim then not being able to stay focused, both of which are common occurrences during hypomania and mania, would definitely lead people to abandon their goals. Starting projects while stable then becoming depressed would yield the same results.

So, you can see that lack of perseverance in people with bipolar disorder is not necessarily a character flaw or laziness. It is often times merely a symptom of their disorder.

Study Comparing Bipolar II vs. Bipolar I

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A recent study showed that Bipolar Type II, often thought of as the less severe form of Bipolar Disorder, is actually worse than Bipolar Type I is some ways.

Some of the ways Bipolar II is more severe than Bipolar I:

  • increased comorbid anxiety
  • increased first-degree relative with mood disorder
  • more prior mood episodes
  • current depression
  • current antidepressant use
  • rapid cycling in the prior year
  • childhood onset

On the other hand, Bipolar II patients had significantly less hospitalizations and current prescription psychotropic use compared to Bipolar I patients.

Both groups had a statistically similar rate of prior suicide attempts.

New Issue of Turtle Way Journal

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Check out the new issue of Turtle Way, Write into the Light’s online literary art journal supporting those with mental illness. There is some great photography, poetry and prose in this issue. Turtle Way Journal.

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Comorbid Bipolar and Anxiety Disorders

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The largest treatment study of bipolar disorder conducted to date found that more than half the study participants with bipolar disorder also had a comorbid anxiety disorder.*

I have been experiencing what I thought were hypomanic symptoms – decreased need for sleep, restlessness, increased productivity/creativity, project-oriented tasks, irritability, OCD behaviors, agitation, and distractibility.

However, since my over all mood was not elated or euphoric but rather anxious, my psychiatrist said I was experiencing anxiety and not mania. I do tend to cope with anxiety by “keeping busy” to distract myself and to work off all of that “nervous energy.” And I get a bit obsessive with cleaning and organizing my environment in an attempt to control my surroundings in some way when I am feeling “out of control” on the inside.

It is frustrating to get confused on what my symptoms mean, however. I guess that is what the doctors are there for – to assess and diagnose. I would like to think I knew myself and my illness a little bit better by now though, but I guess we are always learning, aren’t we? Do your symptoms ever confuse you?

*Reference

Mental Illness and Emotional Vulnerability

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This week I opened myself up to some close friends who didn’t yet know about my bipolar and alcoholism. The conversation shifted to topics where it became convenient for me to disclose this information to them in a natural way versus making some sort of out of the blue “announcement.”

They received the news quite graciously, and I felt neither judgment nor fear from them, but more support and curiosity than anything. They asked some questions about my experiences and shared some stories of other people they have known with the same conditions.

Yet, as I lay in bed that night, I couldn’t help but worry about the possible effects my disclosure may have on our friendship. Will their behavior change towards me in the future, even if subtly? Will they think differently of me? Will they be wary of me? Distrust me? Fear me? Worry about me?

Ironically, I am worried that I may lose the intimate connection I have with them due to me sharing one of the most intimate things I could have shared! I feel very emotional vulnerable. Most people avoid being emotionally vulnerable, myself included, because we don’t want to be rejected or hurt. But then I got to thinking…

When we put on a façade or hide who we really are so as not to be rejected or hurt, aren’t we in a sense already rejecting and hurting ourselves? If I am not being my authentic self then I am rejecting who I really am. That is so sad to me. Oh, how I don’t want to treat myself that way! To not allow myself to be who I truly am hurts my self-esteem and confidence, which in turn hinders my ability to develop and maintain healthy relationships.

When we do it to avoid being uncomfortable, aren’t we already uncomfortable? Now, I realize being uncomfortable comes in different degrees, and maybe putting on a façade is less uncomfortable than being real, but I think there comes a time in every relationship where the façade has to be dropped in order for true joy to occur. If your goal is to merely have a warm body next to you then keep the façade, I suppose. If, however, you want more than that, consider being emotionally vulnerable at some point in time.

When we hide who we really are to avoid losing friendships or relationships, if that were to happen, do we really want those types of relationships to begin with? Like I mentioned above, if your goal is to have someone, anyone, in your life then maybe so. If, however, you want the real thing, the good stuff, then love yourself and be real.

This brings me to a final point. In order to be our authentic selves, to be emotional vulnerable without the risk of wanting to harm ourselves if rejection were to happen, we first must have some level of self-love and self compassion in place. Getting to this point is not easy. It took years of therapy for me to get to this level, and even now I still have a fear of vulnerability, but I know I will be ok if I do lose those friendships.

If your fear is great, I suggest you work with a counselor or therapist or spiritual advisor. It is definitely worth the effort to be able to be emotionally vulnerable. Your life will be much better for it.

Impulsive Decision Making in Bipolar Disorder

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block-party-pacific-beach-bike-jumping_w725_h544I try to make healthy decisions regarding my lifestyle. Things like eat well, take my meds, get proper sleep, limit caffeine, don’t drink or smoke. Some things are harder than others.

Today, I threw away my only pack of cigarettes with a new resolve to quit once again. I had plans to download a quit-smoking app to keep track of my days quit and to get active on the online smoking cessation forums which were a great support to me in the past. A half hour later I was retrieving the pack out of the trash and lighting one up.

Yesterday, I decided to start counting calories. My goal is to lose ten pounds. I lost more than this last year and have kept it off, so I know I can do it again, but by last night I was baking, and then eating way too many, chocolate chip cookies. My calories were blown for the day.

Impulsivity is running rampant in my life lately, and quite uncomfortably I might add. Initiating too many impromptu social visits is leaving me stressed and fatigued, but I can’t seem to curbed the impulse to do so. Shopping sprees are rampant under the guise of procuring Christmas presents.

Following these impulsive acts comes guilt and shame, plummeting self-esteem, and the beginnings of self-hatred. Up then down. Up then down. The wonderful life of bipolar disorder.

It helps to remind myself, however, that this cycle is not my fault. It is not a character flaw, a punishment, a sin, or a weakness. It is a biological, chemical, brain disease of which impulsivity is but a symptom.

I found a recent study where researchers looked at euthymic patients with bipolar disorder who were not taking antipsychotic medication and 20 case-matched controls performing a roulette task during functional magnetic resonance imaging. The controls showed higher brain activity during safe reward prospects while the bipolar patients showed higher brain activity during risky reward prospects!

The bottom line is impulsivity is part of bipolar disorder. Accepting this is what we have to do. It does no good to beat ourselves up over something we can’t control. Does this mean I am going to give up trying to quit smoking and losing weight? Absolutely not!

We must never give up trying to get better. We have to keep fighting our symptoms whether it be through medication management, lifestyle changes or both, all the while remembering that they are just that – symptoms, not who we are as a person, but just symptoms of a horrible disease that we didn’t ask for and don’t deserve. A disease that we do have and will continue to deal with the best that we can.

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Meditation: A Cure for Depression and Anxiety?

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Neuroscientists now have evidence proving what meditators have been saying for years: Meditation can improve people’s physical and emotional health.

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Imaging studies show that meditation increases certain areas of the brain responsible for memory and emotion. “Also the parts of the brain that respond the most to stress gets smaller with meditation. This means that anxiety and depression naturally fade with a meditation practice,” according to researchers.

I’ve been doing mindfulness and guided meditations using an app called “Insight Timer” on and off now for about a year, and I definitely notice a difference in my anxiety levels on the days that I meditate versus the days I don’t.  Although on many of the days I meditate, my anxiety level is already low because I tend to have trouble focusing long enough to meditate when my anxiety is high. Go figure!

I do believe the effects of meditation last me a few days and are somewhat cumulative in that sense. So, even when I meditate on a low anxiety day, it could be helping me avoid a super high anxiety day the next day or the day after that.

Meditation hasn’t had an effect on my bipolar depression levels, but maybe it would if I practiced it more consistently since one of my depression triggers is anxiety.  It’s probably worth a try, but to be honest, I have my doubts.

What about you?  Do you meditate?  What benefits has it brought to your health?  Or in light of this recent research, would you consider trying meditation?  Why or why not?

Bipolar Moments – From Diagnosis to Treatment

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