She said, “You’re fine and then you’re sad. Then you’re up and then you’re depressed. Then you’re fine and then you come back and your anxiety is out of control. Then you’re fine again and then you’re sad. You are a rapid cycler.” When my doctor summed me up in that way I couldn’t help but feel deflated, almost hopeless, and at the very least, more ill than when I walked into her office.
Then I realized I’ve been dealing with this illness my whole life and the ups and downs have been such a part of my daily living that I hardly think twice about them. To someone like her, observing from the outside with a critical eye, I must seem extremely unstable, but to me, everything feels completely normal, and believe it or not, my life does not have major disruptions due to my mood swings.
This is not to say we aren’t always trying to achieve stability because we are. Tweaks to medication and coping skills are constantly being made. It is a dance of fine tuning that takes the skill of a seasoned and caring specialist and the patience of a willing and compliant patient. She said there are some people she sees with bipolar disorder who go three or four years without needing a medication adjustment. She adjusts my medication several times a year.
According to WebMD, rapid cycling is described as having four or more episodes of mania, hypomania or depression in one year. For many people, this is devastating and wreaks havoc on their life. For me, it’s just another day in the life of me.
You get to the point of acceptance after living with an illness for so long and you learn that it is not going to kill you and it doesn’t have to control you either. It doesn’t scare me anymore. I know what I need to do to deal with my symptoms and I know that I won’t have my symptoms forever. It is the very nature of cycling: the symptoms are constantly changing. I think the vigilant tweaking of my medications keeps my symptoms from getting too far off-balance, so I am fortunate in that respect, but the cycling is still there.
Do you rapid cycle? What does that look like for you and how do you cope?
As an aside, I just received news that Write into the Light was selected by Feedspot’s panelists as one of the Top 100 Bipolar Blogs on the web. What a nice surprise! I always thought you had to pay to be on those lists, but I was wrong. 🙂 Check out the list at https://blog.feedspot.com/bipolar_disorder_blogs/