Tag Archives: mindfulness

Experiencing Guilt for Having Psychological Limitations

Posted on by

“Sometimes we just can’t, and that’s ok. Sometimes we kind of can, but the energy trade-off just isn’t worth it. Society demands that we keep overcoming, overcoming, overcoming. But we don’t have to. Nowhere is it written that to be a really real human you have to brute force your way through your limits. Nowhere is it written that not doing so makes you less worthy.” ~ Author, unknown

It is Easter Sunday and I am experiencing guilt for not being able to take my kids to church (and not getting myself there as well.) The crowds, parking, and stress of it all is more than I can bear, I know from experience. Plus, my husband is working which makes it all the more difficult to handle since I am on my own.

On top of that, we will be with family later on this afternoon…loud, excited kids, my siblings and their kids, my parents, all cramped into a tiny house for the evening…need I say more?!

Here’s another kicker – a mess up with my medication refill leaves me with no anti-anxiety pills this weekend. Kind of a WTF? moment…

Thinking about it all makes me want to shut down OR fall into a panic attack. I feel like my body doesn’t know which one to choose.

What I am choosing however, is to try and sit back and observe all of these thoughts and feelings as I would if I was watching another person go through them.

Acknowledging them, not fighting them, but also not making them who I really am…separating my thoughts and my feelings from my true self (who is simply a consciousness/higher self comprised solely of peace and love) seems to really help.

Maybe some would call this a form of detachment, and in a real sense I suppose that is what it is. Reminds me of that saying “Go to your happy place” – the place in your mind where no one or nothing can hurt you. Only this place isn’t in my mind. It is outside of my mind.

417px-Easter_Lily

I picture it floating directly above my mind. Although, it is not a place but more of a presence, an aura so to speak.

And in this entity I am not escaping from reality but rather engaging in it as an observer…not a fighter or a victim or any kind of participant, but simply as an observer that knows – believes – deep down that all is ok, that I am ok no matter what thoughts and feelings are happening inside my mind.

It truly is a peaceful phenomenon on this joyous Easter morn. I do hope you are having positive thoughts and feelings today. And if not, I pray you can access your higher self – that space outside of your mind but still within you that can sit back and observe and know that it is safe, it is happy, and it is pure love.

Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts today. I would love to hear yours. Feel free to leave a comment if you are so compelled. Until next time…

Wil

How to Be Mindful of Your Thoughts

Posted on by

20130120-132758.jpg

Have you ever stepped outside of yourself and observed or paid attention to your thoughts? What are you usually thinking about?

If you’re like me then you are often thinking about stuff that has happened in the past or about things that will or may happen in the future. Maybe a conversation you had with someone yesterday. Or how that work meeting will play out tomorrow.

When we are engaged in these kinds of thoughts, we are not living in the present moment. To live in the present moment we must direct our thought (one thought at a time) only to what we can currently observe with our five senses.

For example, “I see clouds in the sky. The sky is light blue. A single bird is flying across the sky. Now another one is following.”

Notice that there are no judgements in these thoughts. No mention of the sky being beautiful or the birds being cute. Only thoughts based on observations of facts.

The mind will naturally gravitate towards creating a story about the facts- giving meaning to what is happening or opinions about what should be happening instead; judging the facts as good or bad, etc.

The mind will also form associations with what we are observing, which will pull us out of the present moment.

For example, yesterday I was driving in my car, practicing mindfulness, focusing on one thought at a time about what my eyes were seeing. My thoughts went something like this:

I see a tree. Its branches are bare. The concrete street is rough looking. It is beige on color. I see a bicyclist ahead. What a terrible thing about Lance Armstrong. How could he lie all those years? What must that have felt like? How disappointing! Is he embarrassed now? I would be humiliated if I were him…

Do you see how easily my thoughts got off track due to the association it made with the bicyclist I saw on the road ahead of me?

As soon as I realized that my thoughts were no longer about what I could observe in the present moment, I simply acknowledged that fact and then redirected them back to my current physical surroundings.

What do you see right now? Name one thing at a time – not in a check list type fashion, but using a full sentence for each thought.

In other words, don’t say, “I see a chair, a table, a window, a wall, a blanket.”

Instead say something like, “I see a chair. It is brown. I see a table next to the chair. The table is cleared and clean. I see a window. It has dried rain spots on it. I see a wall. It is painted beige. I see a blanket. It is an afghan comprised of the colors, red, blue and green.”

Get the idea? The more we can engage in mindfulness, focusing our attention on one thought at a time, on thoughts that are based on observations of our current physical environment, the more calm and peaceful we will feel.

Now, give it a try and then let me know how it works for you.

How to Manage Anxiety Using DBT Skills

Posted on by

I am experiencing extreme anxiety right now. It started yesterday in anticipation of my first DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) group session, and now, I am reeling from the after-effects of the stress of being in this new situation. I also had to drive a good distance to get there last night, in the dark, both of which increased my anxiety.

I learned all the DBT skills on a one-to-one basis with my therapist over the past year and a half, but felt that I needed to start going to the group to stay focused on continued use of the skills.

The DBT skills, developed by Marsha Linehan, are categorized into four topics:

1. Mindfulness
2. Emotional Regulation
3. Distress Tolerance
4. Interpersonal Effectiveness

Right now I am having a hard time regulating my anxiety, so I got out my DBT notebook and took the following actions:

Spent about 10 minutes in quiet mindfulness, focusing on my heart in a meditative kind of way in order to get out the racing thoughts in my head; paid attention to the physical sensations of my body to identify the emotion I am experiencing. Sensations I noticed included tense muscles, racing heart, shallow, rapid breathing, and nervous tics such as tapping my foot or finger.

I also took note of my urges which included, to run away, to numb with drugs or alcohol, to sleep as an escape, to stuff or ignore my feelings by compulsively cleaning the house – all things that I know from experience only make matters worse, so I refrained from doing any of them, and instead started writing this blog post – started “writing into the light.”

I am now looking at a DBT handout on how to stay out of “emotion mind” which suggests six ways to reduce vulnerability to negative emotions:

1. Treat physical illness: I did take an anti-anxiety pill before I started writing this and that is helping. I will pick up a prescription I need from the pharmacy even though I don’t want to leave the house.

2. Balance eating: I binged last night on Fritos. Today, I will try to eat healthier and drink lots of water.

3. Avoid mood altering drugs: Haven’t had any of those in over eight years.

4. Balance Sleep: Sleep was rough last night because when I am anxious I have strong, disturbing dreams, and I awake in the morning feeling unrested with tense muscles and a headache. Some things are just out of my control.

5. Get exercise: I will take a walk.

6. Build mastery: I will work on a creative project.

I will also call my husband and a trusted friend to talk about my struggles today. And maybe I’ll take a hot bath to relax my muscles.

When was the last time you experienced anxiety? What do you think caused it? How did you handle it? What positive coping skills did you use or could have used?

Are You Emotional, Logical, or Wise?

Posted on by
photo credit

 

Sadness engulfed me. I lied down, eyes half-closed, and sighed repeatedly, barely audible. Colors faded into shades of grey, and every day noises became irritating. The television on upstairs, the ball bouncing against the sliding glass door, and the red-headed 4 year-old playing loudly in the yard behind ours soon became like mobsters taking sledge hammers to my knees or terrorists using pliers to separate the nails from my fingers.

BOOM! I startled when my daughter jumped off the couch upstairs. Minutes later, she sneezed causing my arms to jerk, my heart rate to elevate and my respirations to quicken. I was surprised at this visceral response and scared because I did not understand it.

The vicious cycle began as the anxiety worsened because I wanted to understand where this anxiety came from, what it was all about…what I was all about, but I didn’t know how to go about seeking these answers.

In addition, part of me was scared to find out, but I was more scared not to find out. I hated myself – a self that I didn’t even know. Doesn’t make much sense does it? I hated how I felt, but I have learned that feelings are not facts. What a concept! They come and go faster than a man at a brothel if…I stay in what Marsha Linehan calls the “Wise Mind.”

The wise mind takes subjective emotions (in my example above those include sadness, fear, anxiety, self-hate) and compares them with the objective facts of a situation or environment. It’s the internal versus the external. Are they cohesive? Does one make sense in light of the other? The wise mind answers these questions.

I used to oscillate between emotional mind and logical mind daily. My emotions did not match the facts of my surroundings. These every day noises were not a threat to me, so why was my body going into flight or fight mode? I knew my body was overreacting and this made me hate myself. What was wrong with me? Was I just a crazy freak? Was I too sensitive, as my mom always told me? Was I losing my mind? Was something horrible about to happen? Was it a premonition, a warning, a spiritual prophecy?

As you can see, my emotional mind had a strong hold on me. I had to spend more time in logical mind mode. I had to give my logical mind more ammunition to combat these irrational thoughts. I had to find out why I reacted this way before my wise mind could reconcile these discrepancies. I had to find out so that I could be at peace.

In sum, my emotional thoughts lead to anxiety, my logical thoughts lead to self-hate, and now, after a year of DBT (counseling)…on most days, my wise mind is able to acknowledge the logical mind’s truth while also soothing the emotional mind. I have to validate both. One is not better or worse than the other, good or bad, hot or cold, saint or sinner. They are what makes me human – intelligent while loving, rational while empathetic, firm while compassionate. It’s balance, people. It’s all about the balance.

Do you spend more time in emotional mind or logical mind? How do you try to maintain a balance between the two?

An Attitude of Gratitude

Posted on by

A fellow blogger asked us to join him in making a gratitude list. I used to do this often. Now, I think of things I am grateful for, but keep them in my head. There is something about writing them down in black and white that gives them more power for me. Join us, won’t you – make a list and share it with the world!!!

I am grateful:

- for being able to finally catch up on my blog-readings for the first time this summer
- to have found such inspiring blogs to read :)
- for hope
- for open-mindedness and willingness
- for the however-wavering-ability to learn new things about myself and others if I am honest
- for the new-found ability to live in the moment and not judge experiences as good or bad but just experience “what is.”
- for my awesome, awesome psychiatrist and equally awesome counselor
- for my recovery from alcoholism
- for my relationship with God
- for my husband and children
- for my friends
- for nature
- for art
- for the ability to read, write, walk, talk, see, hear, eat, feel, and breathe (I have to remember that not everyone can do these things – that’s why there are wheelchairs, feeding tubes, ventilators, etc.) :(
- for pain (without which I would not know comfort)
- for sorrow (without which I would not know happiness)
- for anxiety (without which I would not know peace)
- for the emerging ability to access a timeless, spaceless state of being where the mind has no power and therefore, cannot disrupt serenity.
- for access to a wealth of knowledge and people with whom I can connect instantly via the internet
- for freedom of speech and religion (I have to remember that communism still exists in this world.)
- for the stars, the rain clouds, the breeze, the sun, the soil, trees, flowers, bugs (well maybe not the bugs, especially wasps – they really freak me out, and what purpose to they serve? Seriously, does anyone know???)
- for a sense of humor
- for my country

Happy 4th of July to all my state-side friends!

photo source

How Positive Thinking Can Be a Crock

Posted on by

On a path to clearer views, I find myself looking up and realizing that life is nothing more than an illusion of what my mind (ego) tells me it is.

I am baffled by people who are always up-beat and positive; who love life even when things are tough; who see the good in even the most painful events.

I am writing this post and my husband, who is in the other room, just started taping up some boxes he needs to mail. Now, all I can pay attention to is the god-awful screeching sound of the tape being pulled from the tape-gun as he wraps it around the damn boxes! Like nails on a chalk board, I tell ya!

ok, I think he is finished. Like I was saying, my reality is nothing more than what my mind tells me it is. Let’s look at my outburst about the tape-gun just seconds ago. My thoughts went something like this: “Well, that made you lose your concentration which is extremely annoying! When is he going to stop doing that? I want to write and cannot with all of that racket going on!”

*uck – he’s at it again. I’ll be back…

ok, now I know he is finished because this time when the silence returned, instead of continuing to write this post I asked him nicely if he was done using the tape-gun and he said, yes. Now, I don’t have to worry about being interrupted and startled by that horribly loud sound.

One of the disadvantages of being a highly sensitive person is that what may be an average stimulus to most people is an overpowering stimulus to me. I am particular sensitive to noises. My sensory system gets overloaded if I am around too many people for too long, if the TV is too loud, if the kids have friends over playing, when car commercials come on the radio (I have to keep from going ballistic until I can turn it off), when people come in and out of the house repeatedly, when kids are outside playing loudly or a dog continuously barks… I just can’t seem to filter these things into the periphery of my awareness. Instead they dance obnoxiously in front of my face until I feel like I am going mad. Can anyone relate to that?

I am also extremely sensitive to temperature changes, bright lights, and odd smells, like when the dog needs a bath or the hamster cage needs to be cleaned. Maybe the smells are just a mom-thing, but while these noises, tactile sensations, sights, and smells are noxious to me, no one else seems to even notice them. And by noxious I mean that I get highly agitated and sometimes feel physically ill because of them.

Well, this post turned from how my mind decides what my reality is to how my sensory system is highly sensitive.

There is a fine line between what we can and cannot control. In my experience, mental illness is a biochemical phenomenon that cannot be entirely relieved by positive thinking because a large part of the illness involves the inability to control my thoughts.

Thus, “thinking positive,” “being grateful,” “pulling myself up by my bootstraps,” “getting over myself,” and other such platitudes are often ineffective. For me, until medication rearranges my brain chemicals, cognitive behavior techniques are useless. Honestly, for me, they don’t even work that well when I am properly medicated.

What works for me is getting out of my head completely. Excessive thinking is like poison for me which is why I have cut way back on my blog posts. I love reading other people’s writings, listening to positive speakers share their experiences, and creating fine art because the voices in my own head go away during these times – times in which I am completely in the present moment, not thinking about the past or wondering about the future, but experiencing exactly what is going on in the moment – as it is with no judgment of it being “good” or “bad” or otherwise, but just noticing and experiencing.

I did this with the tape-gun incident the second time around. I stopped writing, closed my eyes, stopped thinking and just listened to the sound. To my surprise, my agitation subsided.

Acceptance is the key to relieving most, if not all, of my suffering. Acceptance is the key that unlocks the door to inner peace within me no matter what is going on around me.

Now, if the TV was on, the kids were fighting, and the dirty dog was lying at my feet at the same time my husband started taping up those boxes, I am sure I would not have been able to do this. But, I believe with practice, someday I will be capable of it.

How’s that for positive thinking? ;)


photo source

My True Self Is

Posted on by

My last post included a video about how those with mental illness have a body/mind sickness, not a “self” sickness. After reading some of the comments, I had some follow-up thoughts which I wanted to share here as well, for my own mental reminder and hopefully, for the benefit of others out there in Blogland.

What is our make up as “beings?” I believe the human or mortal part is made up of the mind and body, and the spiritual or immortal part is the “self” (a.k.a, the Divine, God, etc.) Thinking of it in terms of God, our Creator, connects all the pieces of the religious/spiritual puzzle for me.  I can’t quote the bible verses, but phrases like “the Great I am,” “be still and know that I am,” “what you do unto others you do unto me,” and “made in His image” all point to this “self” – the part that isn’t sick, the only part that really matters, because it is forever while the mind and body are temporary.

“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” ~ Teilhard de Chardin quotes (French Geologist, Priest, Philosopher and Mystic, 1881-1955)

As the Universe would have it, another blogger posted some relevant information just yesterday, from The Upanishad (introduced and translated by Eknath Easwaran.) The Upanishads are the oldest and one of the most universal of messages which inform us that there is more to life than the everyday experience of our senses – including our physical and mental illnesses!

Some excerpts from Indian Spirituality:

“The Self is one, though is appears to be many. Those who meditate upon the Self and realize the Self go beyond decay and death, beyond separateness and sorrow. They see the Self in everyone and obtain all things.”

“Control the senses and purify the mind. In a pure mind there is constant awareness of the Self. Where there is constant awareness of the Self, freedom ends bondage and joy ends sorrow.”

“The Self, pure awareness, shines as the light within the heart, surrounded by the senses. Only seeming to think, seeming to move, the Self neither sleeps nor wakes nor dreams.”

“When the Self takes on a body, he seems to assume the body’s frailties and limitations; but when he sheds the body at the time of death the Self leaves all these behind.”

“Brahman is the infinite, supreme soul. Brahman is all-prevailing, and the visualized world is a tiny part of the same. Whatever we see or feel with other senses (as in Biology) is Divine Illusion or Maya, and is Asat or untrue. The Only Truth or Sat is Brahman. We, or our souls (Jeev-Atma), are infinite small parts of Brahma.

In Hinduism, Brahman (ब्रह्मन् bráhman) is the one supreme, universal Spirit that is the origin and support of the phenomenal universe. Brahman is sometimes referred to as the Absolute or Godhead which is the Divine Ground of all being. Brahman is conceived as personal (“with qualities”), impersonal (“without qualities”) and/or supreme depending on the philosophical school.”

That last sentence is what makes me completely baffled by so-called “religious wars,” because really, we seem to all believe in the same thing.  So, what are we fighting over? Semantics???  How sad!

Anyway, back to the “self.”  I have heard people greet one another with the word “Namaste.” I always thought it meant “peace to you” or something along those lines. Yesterday, however, when I was watching a video on The Light Way blog about Rapid Eye Technology, I learned the true meaning of namaste, which made for the third time in three days from three different sources that the same message of this “self” was delivered to me. I love when that happens. It’s like God frantically waving His arms over His head saying, “Are you hearing me??? Are you paying attention?”

According to Organic Spa Magazine,

“the literal translation [of namaste] is a little more nuanced and suggests that it is not a superficial gesture or word but has deep spiritual significance” such as:

“All sacred in me greets all sacred in you.”

“Honor the peace within.”

“The light in me honors and respects the light in you.”

“I bow to the divine in you.”

“The light in me recognizes the light in you.”

In order for these truths to help me cope with my mental illnesses, I have to continue searching and learning more about them. It’s a never-ending spiritual journey that doesn’t always “feel” good. I also have to talk about it with others, who understand, daily and honestly. And finally, I write a lot and create a lot of digital art (and some paintings) that reflect these truths, so that I am constantly reminding myself.  (btw, the digital art in this post is not mine but listed on elfwood.com as public domain.  Thank you to those creators.)

What beliefs do you have that help you cope with yourself as a person with mental illness?   How do you keep these beliefs in the forefront of your mind?  I would love to know.  Please share!

Writing Moment by Moment #26

Posted on by

Practicing mindfulness:

 

Sunlight reflects off of the hood
of a black car parked
across the street.

Naked tree limbs reach up
while wheat grass flutters
in the breeze.

I inhale winter’s crisp air;
exhale steamy puffs
of my own.

I hear cars zoom by
off in the distance; inside,
the washing machine
agitates clothes.

My finger tips are chilled
as is my nose while the sweetness
from a chocolate chip cookie
lingers on my palate.

The garage is cold yet, the sunshine
on the grass and street warms me.

White clouds blanket the blue sky;
they are still
like the thoughts in my mind.

 

This mindfulness exercise was a result of me sitting outside for less than five minutes. I can only imagine how much I would notice if I practiced mindfulness in all of my daily activities.

Mindfulness involves a conscious effort to observe what is through your senses (i.e., eyes, ears, nose, mouth, touch) both inside and outside of your body without giving any subjective thoughts, opinions, judgements, etc. nor attaching any emotions to what you observe.

In other words, everything that you identify through your physical senses is not to be tagged with thoughts such as “That is beautiful” or “This is awful” or “That makes me feel sad” or “That is so exciting!”

Give it a try and let me know what you experience in your moment.

Writing Moment by Moment #23 and #24

Posted on by

#23 – A beautiful person gave me permission to accept help without feeling guilty and to take extra-special care of myself because I am “going through a healing period” which I need not minimize.  A weight lifted from me in that moment.

 

#24 – I think that I finally get what “mindfulness” means versus distraction.  Here’s a fun fact:

“Mindfulness practice leads to increases in regional brain gray matter density…in brain regions involved in learning and memory processes, emotion regulation, self-referential processing, and perspective taking.”  ~Psychiatry Res. 2011 Jan 30;191(1):36-43. Epub  2010 Nov 10

Now, to practice it…

What moment are you grateful for today?  I had three wonderful “in the moment” moments today – the above two and a third which I posted here.

For more on “Writing Moment by Moment” click here.